Dialogue Hesvar #155 - It's Strange Being Alone

Hesvar #155 - It's Strange Being Alone
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Or Read a summary of the first 149 episodes in Episode 150 - Recap.

We join Ayr after she's put her coat away and is going to talk to Sam.



*Ayr reaches the door to Sam's room and is about to knock when she notices it's slightly open and she thinks she hears crying from inside.*



*Ayr peers through the opening and sees Sam sitting on the floor holding the chain to her collar with tears on her face.*

Ayr: "Sam, it's Ayr. Is everything ok in there? Can I come in?"

*Sam not expecting anyone at the door responds after a brief delay to try and compose herself.* "Oh. Yes." *sniff* "Please, come in."



*Ayr slides the door open.*



Ayr: "Have you been crying?"

*Sam wipes some tears from her eye.* "No, it's just bright with the door open. I've been lazy and haven't gotten up yet today."



Ayr: "Oh, sorry." *Ayr closes the door behind her making the room darker again.*

Sam: *sniff* "Thanks."



*Sam gets up off the floor and pulls her dress back down where it rode up from the way she was sitting.*

Ayr: "Are you feeling ok today? It's unusual for you to be in here alone."



*Sam pushes her hair back from where it's sticking to her face.* "I'm fine. Just a bit tired maybe."

Ayr: "I'm sorry. I know I should just play along and pretend everything's ok as you're implying, but I've never seen you like this and the nosy fox healer in me just can't let it go that easily. It's obvious you've been crying. What's going on? Did you and Lucius have a fight?"

 

*Sam reaches up to wipe her eye again as she answers.* "No, nothing like that. Lucius and I are fine." *sniff*



Ayr: "What is it then?"

Sam: "It's nothing. Just... I mean it's stupid. Just let it go."

Ayr: "Ok, if that's really what you want. But I'd be happy to listen if you'd like to talk about something. Maybe I can help."

Sam: "You can't help."

Ayr: "Hmmm, ok, but sometimes it's nice just to have someone listen to what's on your mind. Since I can't help anyway I promise I won't even charge my usual consulting fee."



Sam: "It's just this stupid chain. I came in here to get dressed and it was in the way again. I'm just so tired of it."



Sam: "And this collar too. It's just so annoying. I mean it's almost suffocating." *Sam starts to pull on her collar.* "I just need it to come off. But it won't come off! No matter how hard I pull it won't come off!" *Sam starts pulling harder.* "It won't come OFF!!! COME OFF!!!"



*Ayr quickly reaches over to try and stop Sam from pulling so hard on her collar.* "Sam stop! You know it's not going to come off. You're just going to hurt yourself. Please calm down. What's brought this on all of a sudden?"

*Sam slowly stops pulling on her collar.* "I... I don't know. I just can't take it anymore. I don't know why. I mean last night I just couldn't stop thinking about it." *Tears start streaming downs Sam's face again.* "I just hate it. I hate everything it represents. I want my life back."



*Ayr gently pulls Sam into an embrace as she continues.* "I want to be from someplace. To have a home, a childhood, a past. But that's just stupid. Why do I want those things? In this world everyone's life is filled with suffering and misery. I'm lucky not to have them. I'm the luckiest person is this whole damn world. Everyone I've met has been nothing but great to me. I'm in a big house with everything I need and more. I haven't been ridiculed, ostracized, abused, enslaved, raped, or any other horrible thing that everyone else has had done to them. Yet here I am crying and complaining over some stupid collar and merciful amnesia."




Sam: "I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to listen to this. I'm just a selfish useless person. I'm sorry."

Ayr: "Shhhhh. None of that. You have nothing to apologize for. I can't even imagine what it must be like for you. Sure, there's suffering in this world and everyone's had to deal with something bad in their lives, but there's good memories, good experiences too. All those experiences make us who we are. They ground us. I don't know how you make it through a single day without a past. Heck I lost just a tiny part of my past and I'm pretty damn bitter about it. So let it all out. Cry, scream, swear, whatever it takes. You've more than earned it making it this far without a breakdown. I know you've lasted a lot longer than I would have."



Sam: "I just don't want to be a burden on anyone. Everyone has been so great to me. I just want to pay them back. I want to make them feel better. It's the only thing I'm good at, or at least that I was good at. I'm sorry you have to witness this. I don't understand why it all boiled up just now."

Ayr: "Because you've kept it all bottled up in your effort not to be a burden. You said it started last night. Well last night Star went to town and you were alone in this room right? I haven't known you that long, but in all the time I've known you I can't recall you ever being truly alone. Maybe this was your first chance to let it out without a witness to burden."

Sam: "Oh Star! Now I feel even stupider. She's had it so much worse than me and she's a rock. What would she think if she saw me now?"

Ayr: "I'm not sure. She's hard to get to know but I get the impression she's already let some of her anger out using those knives of hers. How about the two of us just stick to a good cry instead?"

Sam: "Promise you won't tell anyone about this? Not even Kano."

Ayr: "That's a tough one. I'm a hopeless gossip."

*Sam lets out a snorted chuckle at that and starts the process of pulling herself back together.*

 

I'm sure she did. She's really been handling it all a little too well. I think the only time we've even seen a hint of her being upset was in the bar on the trip to meet Lucius. It's got to be pretty traumatic and I bet that collar and chain is actually physically pretty annoying at times too.

I often tell people that the suffering of others doesn't make your suffering any less or make you feel better unless you're a sadist.

Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks on the lighting it proved to be a hassle.

 

I'm not exactly sure how this would have gone with Pris. She's certainly not the lighthearted joking type that Ayr is and she has a bit of a life is hard suck it up view at times as well. But then she does have a soft spot when it comes to Sam. Yeah really not sure, but I agree it was probably fortunate for Sam that Ayr was the one that caught her in her down moment. I can think of how it could have gone badly with several of the people Sam knows.

Possibly. We've seen evidence that Star's collar transmits energy so it's reasonable to assume Sam's could as well. If they are tracking enabled though it doesn't seem the powers that be are super eager to track them down.

 

I'm not sure getting the collar off would really cure all of Sam's concerns. It probably wouldn't restore her memory. Plus sadly they know of nothing that can cut the metal it's made out of. Obviously very frustrating.

Thank you. Nice to know the work is appreciated.

 

You're right it would be good for her, almost a literal weight off her shoulders. You'd have to really feel for Star at that point though. Given they know hers is somehow connected to her body could they risk cutting hers off even if they found some way to cut through the metal? Of course on the plus side for Star at least she doesn't have a chain to drag around as well. (She has plenty of other baggage though.)

And thanks again.

 

Well Sam seemed to be handling it well up to this point too, although she has expressed more complaints than Star. But that's not saying much as Star doesn't express much period. So I think we don't really know how Star feels about, well, almost anything.

 

I think a key difference is Sam has hope and Star doesn't. Sam wants her past back, wants to know what happened to her, wants to make things better. Star just basically says people forced their will on her multiple times and they'll do it again. Nothing to be done about it.